Holidays Are Over, Hillary Clinton, NHL Lockout [Scrapple TV News]

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January 9, 2013.

Happy New Year viewers. I'm A.P. Ticker, here with the only news you need to know!.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to The White House this week after her month-long medical leave. Since December seventh, Madam Secretary has suffered a severe stomach virus, a concussion caused by a nasty fall down a flight of stairs, a blood clot revealed during a follow up exam. She then was attacked by a pack of rabid jackals, lost a tooth playing a vicious game of rugby and bathed in a tub filled with witch hazel, sustaining a comical amount of ouchies and owies. But Mrs. Clinton weathered the unfortunate series of events with poise. In her typical fashion, she wasted no time getting back to work because nothing will stop her from running for office in 2016 ....nothing. Clinton is expected to be succeeded by Senator John Kerry, who will stub his toe during a violent bout of whooping cough, only to his flaming toe trampled out by a stampeding herd of Emu.

In sports news, there will be a hockey season this year! After years of negotiating, the NHL powers that be reached an agreement, clearing the path for a 2013 season to begin.
And with that, America's borders are open to players from all over the world. Places like Sweden, Russia, Finland, and of course, Canada. All for the love of this strange, foreign game. I mean seriously, can you even call hockey a sport?...it's a fringe sport at best, kind of like Jai Lai or frisbee golf. And who do these people think they are? Have you ever heard someone speak Swedish? It's all "schmermy germy blurbledy blop". I don't understand a word of it. And I still don't trust those shifty Ruskies. If you give them an inch, they will take Colorado! And don't get me started on the Canucks! Bunch of sap-sucking frost-backs; with their denim jackets and their manners. Breathing our pure American air, marrying our women, taking our jobs! Go fondle a moose, frenchy!
I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. You have to understand, I was raised in a different time. Looks like it's back to sensitivity training for me.

If i seem a little sad and melancholy, it's because I am. The holidays are over and every year I seem to get just a little more maudlin and a little depressed. You know what I miss most about the holidays? Not the songs, Santa, family, presents or that goodwill towards men bullshit...it's the eggnog. Goddamn it I just love Eggnog! Post holiday depression sets in when the stores stop selling eggnog. I know its just a giant, sugary, cholesterol bomb, but i don't care, i just love drinking eggs. The comedian Dave Attell once said that eggnog tastes like Elf Cum. Well, if thats what Elf Cum tastes like, then I'm moving to the North Pole, because buddy......it's just delicious.

Like I said I get a little sad when they stop selling the nog, but, last week, when i was at the package store, i picked up a sixpack of something that set my spirits soaring like a hawk. I'm talking about the Philadelphia Brewing Company's NEW Commonwealth Cider.
I'm not talking about that that jolly rancher flavored horse piss that other cider makers try to fob off as cider. I'm talking about a dry, crisp clean elixir that, I have on good authority, are made from the descendants of the golden apples that Hercules snatched from Atlas, the titan who held the sky and the earth upon his shoulders. So do yourself a favor, ditch the holiday blues forever, get yourself some Commonwealth Cider made by the Philadelphia Brewing Company and taste the Godliness in every drop.

Til next time folks, it's 2013, it's my year and I'm.....AP Ticker

Scrapple TV is written by:
Scott Colan
Brendan Skwire
Steve Galley
Jonathan Valania